


Let it Go

by dragonwriter24cmf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Brotherly Bonding, Castiel Learns to be Human (Supernatural), Fluff, Gen, Humor, Not Canon Compliant, Post Season 10, Winchester (Supernatural) Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:00:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwriter24cmf/pseuds/dragonwriter24cmf
Summary: Every hunter has their quirks. Dean knows this. However, he's pretty sure he's going to need some time to adjust to Castiel's. But hey, that's okay.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Let it Go

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters belong to the creators of Supernatural

**Let it Go**

Every hunter has their quirks. Dean knows that. It comes with the job. You have to have an out, or you explode. He works on the Impala, drinks beer and listens to music. Occasionally picks up a chick. Among other things.

Post saving the world and calming it down, he moves in with Sam and Castiel into the Men of Letters Bunker and sets up shop as an information hub for hunters. Sam gets into the whole Men of Letters thing. Castiel settles in as a hunter. Now that they've sorted the Mark of Cain and stabilized Castiel's Grace, it's pretty quiet. Castiel sometimes returns to Heaven, to keep an eye on it, but that's no surprise.

And they learn to live with each others odd little quirks.

God knows, he and Sam have plenty of them. And at least their life has been stable, more or less. Insane, dangerous and bloody fucking terrifying, but stable. Kill monsters, save the world, kick back, repeat. Sort out issues that come with death, near death, resurrection, hell deals and whatever else they've done to get screwed over and get back out of it.

He shouldn't be surprised that Castiel has his own methods of coping with the world. Their lives have at least been somewhat predictable. But Castiel has been living like a blind man riding a roller-coaster with no harness on since he met them. From Heaven's loyal and respected soldier to Number One Rebel. From Most Wanted Corpse to Most Wanted Commander. From practically a god to practically dead. And several states in between. He can't imagine how disorienting it's been. But he knows the ride has brought with it a more than fair share of guilt, nightmares, trauma and stress.

In retrospect, he sometimes thinks he also should have known Castiel's quirks would be weird. For one, Cas is an angel. He's always been weird. His idea of living his last night on Earth was to sit quietly and stare at a wall the first time Dean asked him. For another, he's seen Cas when life drove him over the edge. When the Leviathan possession left him an amnesiac faith healer, and when he was insane. It always surprises him, remembering how absolutely mellow Cas was, considering that in his right mind he's a war angel and a soldier. Seriously, he can understand how flummoxed Crowley was when Castiel walked up and attempted to give him a bag of home-gathered honey. And Twister. Castiel in his right mind would never play Twister. And his Emmanuel persona was so shockingly normal. Minus the faith healing, Castiel could have passed for a soccer dad or something.

Really, that ought to have clued him in to what Castiel would be like, when he needed to 'get away from it all'.

He still sits and stares at walls sometimes. Meditating. Sam and Dean both know, when Castiel finds a quiet corner and settles in, leave him alone for a while. At least 12 hours. Then Dean will drag him out to drink a beer and watch highly questionable videos (it's hilarious to see Cas watching porn, even more so to see him implementing what he learns on the rare occasions they drag him to town and into a bar or a club). Or Sam will ask him a question, something about ancient records or ancient spells and what-not, which usually drags Castiel back to the real world, from curiosity if nothing else. Or a well placed desire to make sure Sam doesn't actually destroy things or open the gates of hell or something else, because their luck is just like that sometimes.

But sitting in silence or watching bad movies and drinking beer can't be the only outs Cas has, and Dean knows it. Sam knows it. But Cas is Cas, and neither of them feel comfortable pushing, or invading his privacy. It's been embarrassing enough, helping him deal with the stuff he does want to tell them.

Still, Dean is a little freaked out when he finds Cas sitting, humming a song he doesn't recognize. One, because he doesn't know the song, and he knows practically every tape, record, CD and MP3 they have. Either because it's his music, or because Sam has forced him to listen to it out of some twisted sense of brotherly revenge (they don't have the same music tastes at all). Two, because it's Cas...humming. He's heard all that 'choirs of angels' stuff, and never thought there was much to it. After all, angels aren't exactly the friendly, wise, helpful celestial beings they're portrayed as. His first impression is that Cas doesn't sound too awful. Relatively speaking. His second reaction is a sort of crawling, twitching sensation, because Cas may have a decent voice, but it's far more suited to dire pronouncements, dead-pan jokes, and esoteric explanations than music.

He asks, and all his instincts go off when Castiel shrugs, looks him very carefully NOT in the eyes and says “It's just a song. I heard it some time ago.”

He decides, after several moments of thinking, in which Castiel takes the opportunity to vanish, that he doesn't really want to know. Castiel is rarely embarrassed enough to be that evasive. He'll figure it out, soon enough. And it might be a one-off thing, like the time Cas kissed Meg because she'd kissed him first and he'd been watching porn three hours before. And that thought decides him, because he still can't think of that moment without twitching. It was just so...wrong.

So he does his level best to ignore the occasionally humming angel wandering around the place. Sam gives him one of those 'what the hell' raised-eyebrow looks when Castiel wanders in for a beer still humming something that is far too mellow to be either of their music, and he just shrugs. Castiel is apparently deep in thought over something, because he doesn't notice the silent communication, just finishes the beer, blinks at it a couple of times as if he's not sure he meant to drink it, tosses out the bottle and leaves.

And so the mystery continues, until he staggers through the sitting area at 7am, not wanting to be awake but needing water, and finds Castiel perched on the couch, the TV running at low volume.

Watching Disney.

His first thought is that he's been wondering who keeps resetting the volume controls, because he likes it louder than that.

His second thought is complete, utter shock, and an urge to either gag, run from the room, or shoot the TV screen.

His third thought is that he either needs a camera or an immediate recipe for amnesia, because the sight of Castiel sitting on a couch in his normal trench-coat and suit, watching cartoons, is too weird not to go one way or the other.

Finally, he manages to collect his thoughts enough for speech. “Cas...what the hell are you watching?”

Cas doesn't turn around. He's not human enough to blush, really, though Dean thinks that honestly, he should be crimson. “Disney channel.”

“Yeah, I know that. Just...why? What the hell?” He's kind of hoping that Castiel gives him the standard 'it was there' answer, though he knows he'd never leave the TV set to this channel. Hell, he didn't even know they got the Disney Channel.

“When I was Emmanuel...I was asked to watch children a few times.” The admission is soft, candid.

“You were a babysitter. And?” He thinks he can see where this is going, but he'd rather know for sure. Making assumptions about Cas has led him into strange situations in the past.

“Children frequently like to watch these shows. And the movies. Parents seemed to encourage it. And I discovered...” He pauses, then looks up, oddly vulnerable in the flickering light. “I liked them.” His gaze turns back to the TV screen. “And I still...like them.” His head cocks, in the way it frequently does when he's trying to sort something out in his mind.

That is not what he expected. He spends a moment trying to reconcile this thought with all his memories of watching other things with Castiel, and with the memory of the last time they took Castiel to a bar and Castiel tried his hand at flirting with the waitress (not a bad attempt either). Or with Castiel on their last hunt. It doesn't make sense, and the contradiction is too much for him to wrap his head around at 7 am. He finally settles for a question. “You like them. Why?”

Castiel blinks, frowns thoughtfully, then answers, in the slow tone that means he hasn't thought about it much before. “Because they seem very...simple. Almost innocent. I do not see much of that.”

For several very long minutes, he's really tempted to argue with the angel about it. But then a few stray thoughts pop into focus for him.

One: He really doesn't have the energy to try to explain the subtleties of Disney movies in a way that Castiel's odd logic will understand. Really.

Two: To an angel who has seen war, bloodshed, betrayal and more on a cosmic scale several times over, Disney probably does seem pretty simple. Hero gets girl. Evil is always vanquished, nice and tidy. Everything ends on happily ever after, or at least with everyone in a state of relative contentment. Heroes don't have nightmares or end up insane. Saving humanity does not leave the characters with twisted up issues and fights with their families. 

Three: Castiel has very few illusions left. His existence has been so rearranged and shattered...he really doesn't have the heart to try and convince Castiel that Disney movies aren't all sunshine and rainbows. Sam taught Cas how to use a cell phone, and at some point they'll probably get him indoctrinated into the computer era, and there will be time enough after that for him to discover and explore some of the darker sides of Disney. Heck, by then, he might be able to think about having that kind of conversation without feeling like someone filled his stomach with butterflies.

He finally gives up and limits himself to a clap on Castiel's shoulder and a muttered, “Yeah, okay. Whatever you say.” Then goes on toward the kitchen to get the water he originally wanted.

Later, when he's more awake, he and Sam conspire to get Castiel a TV, so he can watch the stuff in the privacy of the room he's tentatively claimed as his own. They also conspire to get Castiel a credit card, so he can go and buy his own damn movies and they can claim complete innocence if anyone ever finds out they've been letting an experienced battle angel and Heaven's premier commander watch Pocahontas and Mulan. Or, God save them, Little Mermaid. The mere thought of that makes both of them shudder.

Castiel accepts both gifts with that odd, sideways embarrassed glance that tells Dean he knows damn well that Disney is not a normally accepted movie choice for the man his host and innate personality make him out to be. Or for a hunter. But that doesn't stop the angel from letting them set up the TV, or from disappearing and coming back with a bag of DVD's that Dean only sees enough of to be sure he never, ever wants to know more.

Later, he and Sam draw up a list of movies they need to make Castiel watch, so he doesn't embarrass himself in public. Sam's list is a little weird, but hey, he knows his brother is a super-geek. At least neither of them have listed chick flicks. Or anything that's rated below PG 13.

After that, things settle down into their regular routine. Hunt. Talk. Eat burgers. Drink beer. Bar hop sometimes. Watch movies. And while he really, really isn't into stuff like Lord of the Rings, at least there's enough action to keep him interested, and he and Sam can argue various points of it in a friendly manner while they field Castiel's odd half-innocent, half-haunted questions.

After a while, he gets used to Castiel humming odd songs, or occasionally going off into odd trains of thought. Like the day after he does, apparently, watch Pocahontas, and comments idly that the colors of the wind change too swiftly for a painter. Because angels can see energy, more or less, and wind-streams are energy plus air currents. Three beers later, and Dean is actually mellow enough to not mind when Cas makes another reference to wind colors, and can even appreciate the comparison of a northern wind to 'the color of deep ice on the surface of a lake, until it changes'. Whatever the hell that means.

Some time later, he discovers that he actually almost does not mind Castiel's musical choices. They make an odd, but not unreasonable, counterpoint to his and Sam's, adding an undertone that he can sort of appreciate, now that he's gotten used to it.

At least, he thinks that until he stumbles upon Castiel wandering around outside, humming a song he's pretty sure he's heard before but can't immediately recognize. It's been a good, lazy day, a period of rest following a tough but successful hunt in which no one got hurt too badly, and they didn't get nearly arrested or anything ridiculous like that. He's relaxed, content, and just bored enough to be idly curious. In other words, to ask a question he would normally not ask. “Hey. Nice song. What is it?”

Castiel stops, gets that 'oh crap I do not really want to talk about this because it's too humiliating and you will laugh at me’ expression that Dean thinks he learned from Sam, or Bobby. “It's a...a fairly popular song. From a movie I watched recently.”

By which he means another one of his Disney flicks, and that really should have clued Dean in right there, but still...he's sort of wanted to ask for months now, just because. Because it's weird, and he teases Sam a lot of the time about his odd habits, and he feels like Castiel is enough of a family member that he should get to tease him too, angel or not. So he asks. “Yeah. Got any lyrics, or just a good tune?”

Castiel looks away. “It has words, yes.”

And, because he really is bored, he asks the fatal question. “You know 'em? I mean, can you actually sing the song, or just hum it?” He actually is curious, because he and Sam sing along to their tapes, but he's never heard Castiel do the same. And Cas has integrated into their little brotherhood group enough that he's picked up a lot of their habits.

Castiel shuffles. “I can, but...”

He really should know better than to poke a twitchy angel, but seriously...he can't help it. “Well, okay. Go ahead. Dude, I'm not gonna judge.” His own voice is average, and he sucks at staying on key unless he puts in more effort than it's worth. Sam is worse.

Castiel gives him one of those sideways looks that means he's contemplating just disappearing on the spot. But he apparently decides that Dean isn't going to leave the matter alone (which is true). Then he sighs, takes a deep breath, and begins to sing in a voice that is just audible enough to hear.

Dean's first thought is that Castiel really doesn't have a bad voice. Deeper than his, a little rough. Like his speaking voice. But not bad.

And then the wrongness hits. Castiel has a voice that would be great for rock, for something dark and solid that's heavy in the bass and low baritone range. And maybe he does great for hymns, or country, though Dean's never heard him sing any. It is most definitely NOT a voice suited for Disney songs, or at least not this one.

And the lyrics....the song is so far into 'girl song' that Dean can almost feel himself wearing a skirt. It might not be so bad if you changed some of the words, and on a deep, deep level that isn't occupied by his first reaction of masculine horror, he can sort of appreciate the theme of the song. But over all...no. This is not a song that suits Castiel in any way, and it should not be coming out of his mouth.

Castiel finishes the song and stands there in mute embarrassment.

Dean rallies, because he has to say something to the angel he just put on the spot in such a spectacular manner. He swallows twice, and says the first least offensive thing he can think of. “Dude, at least change the lyrics.”

Castiel blinks at him. “I don't understand.”

“Come on man. 'Girl'? 'Queen?' You could at least use 'guy' and 'king' instead. Seriously.” Dean scrubs a hand through his hair and wishes for a beer.

“That wasn't how the song was written. The character was female.”

“Yeah. I get that. But sometimes, alterations are acceptable. And you're a guy. Have some pride, please.” Dean grimaces.

Castiel frowns thoughtfully. “Technically, I am not a...guy. It's true my vessel has a male form, and I understand what it means to be a man, having been human, but as an angel, I don't have a specific gender. And I have taken a female vessel at times.”

He remembers the time when Castiel took over Jimmy Novak's daughter Claire for a while. Castiel, as a 12 year old girl. He's suddenly very, very glad, in a guilty way, that Jimmy got shot and asked for Castiel to return to him. He doesn't think he could handle Cas as a girl.

The mere thought of Cas as a female makes him feel very, very uncomfortable. Given his relationship with the last female angel he really knew...

Dean squashes that thought before it can go anywhere. He absolutely refuses to have any such thoughts about his quasi-adopted brother, thank you.

He stands there for a minute, and watches Castiel trying to pretend he isn't waiting for some sort of comment. But he can't find a good, snarky comment to make, and he doesn't know why. So finally, he goes with the question that seems to have lodged itself into his brain, though he's not sure he really wants to know the answer. “Why that song? Hell, why that movie?” Castiel did say he watched the movie.

“Originally, because I heard it was a good movie.” Castiel isn't looking at him again. But at least he is answering. It makes Dean wonder if Cas has wanted to share this for a while now. He's like that, sometimes. Wanting to share as he discovers more about himself, uncertain how to explain the thoughts he has, or even whether he should.

Dean forces himself to stay quiet as Castiel continues. “Afterward...I...liked the song. And I...identified with the character, to a certain extent.”

Dean slams mental breaks on his first thought, because it's not helpful, and he senses that for Cas, this is a very serious topic. Some things Cas can be teased on, but there's a certain tone to his voice that indicates this isn't one of them. At least, not right now. Maybe later, when they've both gotten over their initial reactions to this sharing.

Cas apparently takes his silence as an invitation to continue speaking. “There is a certain...isolation, to that character that I can comprehend. An uncertainty about fitting in, and about being oneself.” He pauses. “I am not human, Dean, though I prefer your company and your brother's, and I have enjoyed experiencing the world from a human perspective. I like humans, but I am not one of you, even if I was, for a while. But...neither am I a normal angel. Not any longer. I have seen too much. Changed too much.” Another pause, and then a thought Dean knows instinctively comes straight from Castiel's heart. “Perhaps I never was. Perhaps a normal angel could not have chosen to Fall, to defy Destiny and the will of both Heaven and Hell merely for the sake of friendship.”

There's not much he can say to that. Not much he wants to say to that. But he has to say something, because this is clearly something that has occupied Castiel's thoughts for a long time. And even an angel, perhaps especially this one, is not immune to judgments about something so personal.

In the end, all he can really do is acknowledge it. “Okay. If that's how you feel about it...okay.” It's awkward, and he wishes he could say something better, but Castiel relaxes, so apparently it's good enough. Or maybe Cas just recognizes he's making an effort here.

And really, once he gets a moment to catch his breath after dodging what could have been a complete bomb, he can sort of see Castiel's point. After all, he knows what isolation and being different feel like. He was raised with it. Hunters and normal folks don't mix all that often, and even when he spent a year with Lisa and Ben, he never really fit in with the other folks in the community. He always felt different.

The end of their conversation gradually morphs from awkward to calm, a recognition of something they each choose to express in different ways. Until finally, he feels like it would be safe to make the comment he originally wanted to make. He gives Cas a sideways look that the angel returns warily and smirks. “Cas, are you seriously trying to figure out the meaning of life from Disney movies? Really?” It's the same tone he's using when Sam pulls out a rare, life-saving fact from nowhere in the middle of a case and he calls his brother a geek. Teasing and half-admiring.

Cas recognizes the tone, if the small smile that he returns is anything to go by. “Perhaps. In part.” And then he vanishes, having apparently experienced enough heart-to-heart conversation for one day. Dean stares at the empty spot for a minute, then goes back inside, grabs a beer, and goes to do maintenance on the Impala.

He shelves the entire conversation into the back of his memory, but it doesn't leave him. It pops up into his mind at odd moments, late hours of the night. Sometimes, he'll pass Castiel's door and hear the muted TV going. He never quite has the guts to stop or go in, but it makes him think. Think about how he looks at the world around him, how much his adulthood was shaped by the things he knew and loved as a boy. About bad hotel TV and take-away food. About the Impala. Legos and plastic army men and the little things that he would take for granted as childhood experiences, but that Cas would have never had. Perhaps he could access Jimmy Novak's memories of them, but it isn't the same.

The thought bumps around in his brain for a while, until finally one night they sit down for movies together. He's half out on painkillers (the last damn monster they hunted cracked his ribs) and on the two beers he's drunk, and feeling up for just about anything. Hell, they're in a warded protected fortress where practically nothing can get in without permission, so who the hell cares. So as they settle in he pops the top of his third beer, grins at Sam and says something that six months prior he would have sworn he'd never say. “Okay Cas, you pick the movie.”

Sam stares at him. So does Castiel. Then their live-in angel begins to head for the rack of mutually enjoyed DVDs by the TV, and Dean decides to go for broke, because he can always claim he was too drunk and out on meds to remember it. “Cas, seriously. Pick anything you want. Anything you really want to see. Doesn't matter what.”

Sam looks at him like he's just confessed that he wants to be a girl. Castiel stares at him for a solid minute, trying to figure out if he's serious. Then he disappears to his room and comes back with what is very obviously a used, worn DVD. Aladdin, of all things. Castiel stares at him for a minute, then mutters. “It was...popular, with the children I was charged with. But I only saw the second one. I think.” He waits a minute longer, but Dean gives Sam a 'don't you dare' look when Sam opens his mouth to protest, and when neither of them move, Castiel turns around and puts the disc in the player, then settles on the couch and gingerly picks up a slice of pizza.

The movie isn't actually too much of a blow to masculine pride. All about the street thief who wants to get paid and get with the Sultan's daughter. And even if he thinks the kid is an idiot for trusting himself to a genie (djinn are such bad news), it is a kids film made by people who have no idea how funked up the supernatural world really is. The music isn't horrible, in an Arabian Nights kind of way. He can sort of sympathize with Aladdin, and the kid has some slick moves. The picking up girls and dodging guards...yeah, he can get that. And it's almost awesome how he tricks the evil sorcerer in the end and turns him into a djinn. And keeps his word to the genie who helped him.

The movie finishes, and Castiel sits watching them, waiting for their judgment. Sam shrugs, but his expression is content, not bored out of his skull or the skeptical 'I can't believe we watched that' look. Dean shrugs, finishes his water (Sam stole his last beer) and mutters “Not bad.”

Castiel nods, and gets the disc out. Dean may be three sheets to the wind, but he sees the careful way the angel shelves the DVD in the main rack, a silent question and challenge. Then he picks up Die Hard 3, and they spend the remainder of the night watching bad-ass action flicks.

None of them mention it the next morning. But Aladdin stays where it is, and something shifts in their odd relationship, as Castiel relaxes on some level Dean didn't even realize he was freaking out on until after the tension is gone.

Three months later, Castiel hesitantly produces another movie, Titan AE, and they watch that. And it gets shelved next to Aladdin. And so it goes.

Gradually, more Disney and Pixar movies join the action flicks, bad horror movies, and other stuff on the main shelves. Castiel still keeps the girly ones in his room, but he no longer keeps the door closed when he watches them, like it's a shameful secret he has to hide. And if Dean never actually joins him for them, he stops outside the door and listens sometimes. He knows Sam does as well, because his brother comments on it once or twice.

And then one day they're in an electronic store, stocking up on this and that, and Dean finds a music player, small and half off. He and Sam exchange a silent look, and then he tucks it into his other purchases.

Two weeks later is Castiel's birthday. Not that Castiel has an actual birthday, but when he started living with them, he commented on their celebration of Sam's. Sam made him choose a number between 1 and 365, and since then, they've celebrated Cas's birthday on that date. Castiel's protests were overridden by Dean's logic that they can celebrate his birth as an honorary Winchester brother as easily as his actual birthday.

The look on Cas's face that night is something he will never, ever forget.

Just like the look on their angel's face when they present him with his very own MP3 player, with the soundtracks of every movie they know he's watched already loaded (Sam took care of that, with his kick-ass internet skills) plus a few.

Even better is the look on his face when Dean informs him that there are cassette adapters for cars, so he can play the music in his car when he drives, or even in the Impala on road trips. Castiel is perfectly capable of teleporting himself, but hey, sometimes buddies make the trip more fun, and sometimes he joins them in the car. Dean doesn't mention that if Cas ever hooks up that thing he'll probably stick cotton in his ears to block the sound. All that really matters is the look in Cas's face, that look of gratitude and peace that means Castiel has taken his offer in the spirit it's meant, as an unspoken acceptance of who Castiel is.

Followed, of course, by the look of puzzled curiosity as he turns his attention to the headphones and controls.

He's not sure he will ever, ever be comfortable with the mental image of Castiel watching stuff like Tangled, or Frozen, or Finding Nemo (he looked at the shelves in the store to get an idea of what was there). But he's not sure it matters. All that matters is that he knows he can live with it, and that it makes Castiel content and happy. It's a part of who his adopted angel-brother is, and he can deal with that. Like he deals with Sam's scholarly stuff and dabbling in magic and stuff like that. Like Castiel and Sam live with his Impala tinkering and his fascination for those little massage machines that you can find in hotels, and really bad movies.

Every hunter has their quirks.

**Author's Note:**

> A little bit of whimsy that snuck up on me.  
> And yes, the song Dean asks Cas to sing is the one this story is named for. I know. I'm not sorry and I hereby claim it was all the angel's idea.


End file.
